my diary

the catcher in the rye

03.16.2004 04:48

one of the few things i regret about my life, is that i never got to have that puppy love, young, cute-sy relationship with a girl. i never got to kiss a girl on the playground, or take a girl to the jr high dance. i didn't get to do many of these sentimental, rite-of-passage, sort of things that most female-loving people get to do. guys get those things, and take them for granted. but gosh, if i only had memories like that... of flirting with a girl in the cafeteria, and picking flowers for a girl on the playground while my friends teased me about being whipped for skipping kickball to sit in the grass with her making dandelion necklaces. i think the world would be a much healthier place if we didn't raise kids to think that if they had these homosexual feelings, or gender atypical feelings, that they had to wait till high school to express them. that means that for years, while thinking you're just a tomboy that will grow out of the stage, you are being constantly, and consistantly, left out of very normal adolescent experiences. you feel like an outsider, and description for a word that you've yet to define. someone searching for a name. searching for that label... Lesbian. i am a lesbian. and it's normal. instead, us girls start to get really competitive with the boys, knowing that whoever won would be the center of the girls attention, not knowing we really wanted the girl. it rarely worked. i have to do something twenty times better than a guy to get a girl to notice it, and then, usually, she still picks the guy because she thinks she has to. i wonder, if it weren't for society, and the way we are taught to fear being different, taught that gay is bad, that gender atypical behaviors are bad... i wonder if, without that fear, there would still be that many straight people. or, if guys knew they weren't thought to be weak, and if girls didn't think they were abandoning their feminine duty, most people would engage in same-sex relationships. being with someone of your own gender has this element of compatibility that doesn't appear to be found in heterosexual relationships. even the term lesbian bed death is an example of how, even without sex, female-female companionship can work and be fullfilling. and guys... well... one guy wants to fuck enough, so if the people he is fucking want it as bad as he does... he's not gonna have to much trouble getting that. thus the whole gay male/ qaf babylon scene... yes. homosexuality seems natural. it's like... the utopia that is fucked up by society. society is the edge of the rye, so to speak. and you know i'm the catcher. i gotta stop girls from falling off the cliff into the neverending, life sucking pit, of heterosexuality.