my diary

relationship

03.16.2004 04:06

When someone has only ever been open to certain types of relationships, it can be hard to see a new way of viewing them. all my life, i was told i should make myself something guys would want, wait for one to pick me, get my parents approval, date him, get engaged, get married, never have sex with anyone but him, and that's only after we're married. now, imagine growing up thinking that, and then realizing that you like girls. obviously, i had a lot of rethinking to do in the area of relationship expectations. i realized that i don't want to fit in the category society says i should. i don't want to squeeze into the female side of the heterosexual gender mold, or any type of mold for that matter. i like girls, and it's a very different thing, growing up as a girl who likes girls, and growing up as a boy who likes girls. there are certain things boys are taught, regarding girls, that no adolescent lesbian is informed of. these are very simple things, often taken for granted in bio-males, but that are the holy grail for lesbians... young lesbians are never taught how to flirt with girls at school, how to know if a girl likes us, how to approach her, etc etc. this is probably because, well... most of the girls we encounter are straight. how is one supposed to practice when they are beginning far behind the starting line, where the guys start at. for a lesbian to get the romantic attention of a girl, she must first overcome the first obstacle, the fact that she too, is a girl. so once you have acheived that, you've got a girl who likes girls to some extent... now what do you do? how do you know if she likes you? it's hard to say considering she might not even feel comfortable admitting that she likes girls, or more specifically, you. you have to beat around the bush, you have to ask certain types of questions, you have to ask her over to hang out, try all these little tests, administer a survey, if you will, to find out if the girl likes you. so when you finally get your answer then you know, yes, this girl likes ME. so now what? well... i don't know. i was never really taught this. i guess one must first consider the options... she likes me, so first... is she single? if so, what type of relationship do i want with her. is she not single? what type of relationship is possible, or desired, if at all? does she have a boyfriend and just want to try something? would she leave her boyfriend if she liked it? does she already know for sure she likes girls, and knows she will not leave her boyfriend, and her "heterosexual priviledge" often acheived for bisexual girls. this means you would just be the girl on the side. the boyfriend would always be the main priority. or, could you be just as important? there are so many different relationship options that you have with just one girl. but what is the only relationship option i have been trained in? the heterosexual marriage plan. yep. unless she magically turns into a man that i marry, i have no idea now how to pursue any of those relationship options. knowing that deep down inside, what i really want is a steady girlfriend, one who isn't wild, who isn't bitchy, a nice, sweet girl to whom i am the world, and who is also the world to me. the kind of girl that spends the night, and sleeps curled up in my arms. the kind of girl that introduces me to her family, and stands up to people in our defense. i want to end up with a girl who would never think of turning to a guy, or that "heterosexual priviledge" in order to avoid the pain that often is involved in lesbian relationships. i want a girl who would, with me, get a sperm donor, and have a baby. the type of girl that would consider this baby ours, and would not have a boyfriend who it belonged to, who would always have more claim. i guess i want a white picket fence and all... eventually i know i'll find this girl, or maybe i already have. i want a girl to cuddle and talk to, to hold while she cries, and to hold me as well. this may sound corny, but in the end, that's all i want.
but this isn't the end, and i am not with that girl. i don't even know a girl with whom there is a relationship option such as that which i want.
i do know a girl with a boyfriend though. i know what options i have with her. she won't leave her boyfriend, but she likes girls too much to go without. she'd sneak around, and i'd be like... the mistress on the side. she tells me i'm cute, is especially flirtatious with me, and we kiss sometimes. so, knowing what my options are... either 1)nothing but loneliness or 2)this unconventional, un-ME, relationship. or could it be called a relationship? maybe a situation... a situation in which i have the opportunity to kiss, make out with, even have sex, with this really sexy girl, but without any committment at all. i have to give up that need for committment, when all my life i've been told that is the only thing i should be working for. i have to learn to be content with not being able to make plans, and not having her spend the night, and not having her be my "wife" so to speak. can i just hold off on that committment. can i just say someday i will meet that girl, but for now... i am gonna have fun. i need to be a little more like brian from queer as folk sometimes. or more like Shane from the L word. i need to be able to detach sex from long term relationships. i need to be able to have fun with the opportunities i do have, instead of just moping around about not having that long term marriage type relationship. i don't need to give my heart to this girl. i need to learn to just let loose and have fun. but, alas, that socialization comes into play. i was never told how to just seduce a girl and have a good time. i was taught monogomy, marriage, family... so now, i have to jump off this proverbial cliff, and dive into these waters not knowing how deep they are. society equips boys with a map of where these swimming holes are... but i have to jump blindly, and i just hope i don't end up hurt... next time i see her i will be as sexy as i can. i won't hold back. i won't try too hard to be romantic. i'm not trying to win her heart, here... it's a very different game i'm playing. i'll make the rules. i'll call the shots. and i'll win. and it's about damn time.